The Real Housewives of Cheshire S05 Episode 1 โ€“ Czech Her Out

(ITVBe Mondays 10pm)

The Cheshire set are back and it looks like itโ€™s all kicked off Wilmslow way.
The ladies, apart from Missรฉ, are all back.ย  Missรฉย  is darn sarf getting loved up with the TOWIE reject Jake (seriously punching above his weight) but she will be back as a โ€˜friendโ€™ plus we have a brand new housewife which makes it 8 this season (too too many) They start the show with the typical โ€˜this season onโ€ฆ.โ€™ but I donโ€™t want to get ahead of myself so will take it episode by episode.

Sidenote: travelling home from Wales last week, with the help of a very good friend and colleague and a hormonal Sat Nav I got lost and found myself in the heart of Cheshire. Luckily I had a posh hire car so they didnโ€™t run me out of the county. But oh my! I sat in my little car surrounded by the McMansions dreaming of what my life could have been if I had been born looking like a supermodel or was a really good pole dancer who bagged herself a footballer. *sigh*

We open the season with Tanya and Leanne and the new baby who is adorable; he poops within the first 2 minutes; another shit show then. Tanya is stunning and my favourite Cheshire Housewife; she is looking fantastic, thanks to the surgeons knife, following the birth. Tanya brings up the christening of her kids where both Leanne and (Demon)Dawn will be Godparents. At the end of the last season we saw that they both tried to salvage their BFF status but it seems that itโ€™s gone down the shitter faster than one of babyโ€™s poops. Leanne tells Tanya that her friendship with (Demon)Dawn is over and the only relationship that they have is a legal one as โ€˜money is involvedโ€™. If you live under a rock I will explain as it seems Leanne isnโ€™t โ€˜allowedโ€™ to.

A few years ago (Demon)Dawn and her ex- football player husband, who are jointly worth ยฃ42 million โ€˜borrowedโ€™ off ex pole dancer Leanne and her famous ex- Manchester United player husband Wes Brown the grand sum of ยฃ500 000. (Demon)Dawn has not repaid a penny. Allegedly. So Leanne is suing her for it. #richfolkproblems

Anyway. Tanya is trying to stay out of it as she is good friends with both of them so it looks like this season she will be Switzerland.

Next we meet up with Seema and Stacey in their new bar that looks like it is in the middle of an industrial estate. (Demon)Dawn comes in with her new Chihuahua, it takes 2 seconds for me to realise I still cannot stand (Demon)Dawn. We are 5 seasons in and I still effin hate her and cannot find one redeeming quality about her other than she has nice hair, that probably costs more than my house. She is so far up Seema and Staceyโ€™s arse its beyond cringe. Seema and Stacey are still as pretentious as ever and Tanya hit the nail on the head with lasts yearโ€™s insult โ€˜Mrs Bucketโ€™; I just canโ€™t with these two they have the same effect on me as foil on a filling. Urgh.

Ampika and Lauren are in a jewellers, Ampika as always is dressed like she is auditioning for RuPaulโ€™s Drag Race (god love her) and Lauren is as mad as a box of frogs as always. Lauren’s divorce is almost final so Ampika wants her to go on a blind date with her, oh that will definitely be worth a look.

Back to the 3 witches; having a good old bitch about Tanya and Leanne โ€“ YAWN.
(Demon)Dawn gets the old violin out โ€“ victim, victim, victim โ€“ No (Demon)Dawn you are just a cow. This woman pushes all my buttons and it bloody annoys me. They back to licking each others arsesโ€ฆ..

Tanya has a new โ€˜push presentโ€™ (baby present) and it is a stunning Bentley, I want to hate her but I canโ€™t.

The new housewife is Ester. She arrives at (Demon)Dawnโ€™s Clinic and is a walking, talking Barbie doll. She is gloriously mental. Ester is Czech and her other half is 21 years her elder (and 3ft shorter) and she says she is often mistaken for a gold-digger but she got with her fella when he had nothing. We have a few minutes of her trying on risquรฉ outfits โ€“ lots of tits and arse. This one is going to be the Marmite of the season, love her or hate her and right now I am loving her. (Demon)Dawn is getting her hooks into her โ€“ Run Ester! Run!

Lauren and Ampika arrive for their blind date, the pair they are hooking up with are a right pair of not rights and so they do a back door boogie and I donโ€™t blame them one bit. Producers really should try harder and make it a tiny bit believable. The moment of the night is the Maรฎtreโ€™D as he stands in shot grinning his little head off.



Ester is viewing houses and her design ideas are fabulous, I cannot wait to see how she blings it out. I am imagining a 70s Porno paradise. Esterโ€™s mum turns up and she looks like an eastern European hooker; lock up your husbands!

Next is (Demon)Dawn and her new dog. Not interested, donโ€™t care. Fast Forward.
Leanne and Ampika are catching up and they allude to the โ€˜legalโ€™ problems. Ampika clearly still hates (Demon)Dawn. I feel you Ampika. Leanne has also fallen out with Stacey โ€“ Leanne you have swerved a bullet so I wouldnโ€™t waste your time trying to sort it out.

The ladies are all off to a burlesque ball, S&S are arriving together and we get more of blah blah blah. YAWN.

(Demon)Dawn arrives with Ester and all the ladies jaws are on the floor. Ester looks magnificent if a bit lost in the 80s. She is hilarious and Ampika recognises her from a previous event. Ampika and Ester have the same โ€˜tasteโ€™ and look like sisters from another mister.

Ester reveals she has had a couple of texts with Mark and admits she tried to set him up with her mum ha-ha. She is cracked and seems to be trying to fix her fella up with Stacey โ€“ keys in a dish vibe all around.

Leanne comes over to have the โ€˜talkโ€™ with Stacey. No-one cares. Sack her off Leanne she aint worth it.

Next week: its all kicking off big style, lots of effing and jeffing, glasses being smashed and (Demon)Dawn looking as smug as ever.


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