We start of the episode with Leanne and Tanya doing a bit of shopping in the hopes it will take Leanne’s mind off the madness that is going on with Dawn. Tanya looks amazing (bitch) and I love that she doesn’t work out – there is hope for us all. Ah no she has it sucked out. Lippo please!

They are discussing the new wife Ester and agree she is as mad as a box of frogs. They move on to Stacey and the ‘Social Friend’ comment. Tanya agrees that it is utterly ridiculous. Seema and Stacey are arranging the ‘do’ for the opening of the restaurant. It may be nice in real life but on the screen it hurts my eyes – big gory mess.

They decide that they will invite everyone and convince each other that they are not the mean girls……they are totally the mean girls but they are as delusional as they are obnoxious. Stacey is the girl at school that would keep dixie at break time when you were having sneaky smoke, in the girls bogs, as she wants to be in the cool gang, but then goes and grasses you up the first chance she gets – #slimy #allegedly. They go to slag the back off Ester and think she is into wife swapping. How’s the view up there on your high horses you pair of hags?

Ampika and Lauren are at Peek-a-boo’s Salon. Ampika is wearing the blue shoes off of the Sex and the City film…….i am day dreaming of Big, the closet ……….ahhhhhh. Anyways she is wearing the shoes and 7 years ago I would have been giddy about this but now it just seems a little bit like she is trying too hard and that was sooooooooo last decade. Bless her.

Ampika is telling Lauren that Ester has been trying to pimp her mum out to Mark; Lauren says the only thing that can be said ‘What the Fuck??!!!’ Ampika has also picked up the wife swapping vibe with Ester but isn’t as mean about it. Ampika wants Mark to move back in with her so that they can co-parent their son. She is threatening boarding school as she knows Mark won’t agree. Mark is off looking for his balls……

Urgh I now have to stomach Dawn’s ‘woe is me’ act with Missé the turnip Swede. Missé needs to go back to TOWIE land and be quiet; she is blindly loyal to Dawn even though she drunkenly verbally assaulted her when she first met her #currant face. I do not understand or believe this friendship for one minute. Missé is stunning but she should stop with the fringe, it aint a good look. They take the piss out of Leanne which puts my teeth on edge.

Ampika and Mark are fishing. Yes fishing. They are the oddest couple but they make me smile. Ampika is as fabulously dressed as always and she is quizzing Mark over the texts. Dawn and Ester and meeting up for lunch and we have more ‘woe is me’ from Dawn. She tells Ester that she and Leanne have fallen out after 15 years and she is devastated. Pay her the money back then! Simple!

Meanwhile in Alderly Edge Ampika, Leanne and Tanya are discussing Ester and the texts and there is Ahhhhhhhhs all around. SS are planning their soirée and Stacey decides to phone Leanne to invite her. Leanne handles it well and Tanya looks like she would rather eat the baby’s dirty nappy.

Comedy gold as Ester and her mum visit Ampika’s salon. Ester thinks it looks like a ropey curry house; and then they enter dressed exactly the same, short tight dresses and thigh boots at 9am. Ester’s mum doesn’t know that Ester has been pimping her out but I think she is more pissed that he didn’t take up the offer. They speak of Dawn and Ampika says it as it is, basically Dawn is the devil.

Tanya and Missé are at a photo shoot for the baby who looks adorable. Missé is doing Dawn’s donkey work and taking on the victim role, violin’s playing etc. She tries to tell Tanya how sad it is for Dawn and how broken she is blah blah blah. Tanya tells Missé that everything is a lot deeper than Missé knows and is basically telling her to shut the F up. You tell her Tanya.

Its time for the soirée and it can only end in tears. I know cos I seen the trailer. There is lots of this is this and that is that and kissy kissy, oh how lovely etc zzzzzzzz

Ester tries to bring some comic relief by turning up in an electric blue bin bag and tries to get Dawn and Ampika to make up; Ampika aint having none of it and it goes down like a cup of cold sick. Missé is totally clueless and decides to tell Leanne how upset and sad Dawn is……5,4,3,2,1 and there she blows. Leanne loses her shit completely and this is not any of Dawn’s put my sad face on bullshit. This is snot bubbles, can’t breathe crying and I feel proper sorry for her. The surprising thing is that it is Stacey who goes to comfort her; good on her. Dawn can’t bare that she may be blamed and that she might appear in a bad light so does her usual ‘it’s all about me’ and she must leave straight away. Yes jog on Dawn.

Next week: Ampika puts Missé in her place and  Ester is crying……..

 

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